Greatest Hit #3: 2.18.02 - No More Bets

Things I Learned in Las Vegas

1 - A hot dog and a Heineken for $1.49 doesn't even sound good at 5AM.
2 - It's good to be faggoty pink.
3 - You can't buy a 786nude.com t-shirt off of anyone's back for five dollars.
4 - On the employment application at Harrah's, the first question is "Are you a bitch?"
5 - Sleeping for 10 out of 92 hours is fine until that last forty-five minutes of driving through desolate ranchland in the dark.
6 - Never leave to go eat lunch without packing a lunch for the journey.
7 - The only reason Christie will crawl into my lap is to push me out of the car to get her some Wheat Thins.
8 - Whoever designed the Ford Mustang convertible has NEVER been a passenger in a car EVER.
9 - Nobody is actually willing to get married in Vegas.
10 - According to Marie Claire, my erotic future is not very bright.
11 - I can't ask Alicia out until I reactivate my cell phone.
12 - You don't have to be a hooker to wear a white miniskirt and black stockings.
13 - There are only two kinds of roulette tables: the kind where you win and the kind where you can get a drink.
14 - There is an untapped market for adult liturgical dance.
15 - A pull-out sofa bed is surprisingly comfortable after twenty or thirty cocktails.
16 - Even the casinos that are bold enough to keep flamingos out back are too chickenshit to put flamingo on the menu.
17 - Neither the pit boss nor the cocktail waitress is black like Mel.
18 - If you're going to piss on the side of the road, park parallel and go on the side of the car not facing the road.
19 - You can always find a loophole if they're charging five bucks for a dump.
20 - No matter how interested you were when you rearranged your furniture, your audience won't be when you tell the story.
21 - Country fried steak goes out as quickly as it goes in.
22 - Don't pick up your chips until the pay out is over.
23 - Having nothing but carry-on luggage cuts your travel time by an hour.
24 - My head shakes when I lose money.
25 - My hands shake when I win.
26 - The roulette table has replaced the eighth grade playground as the Best Place to Cop a Feel.
27 - If you've ever visited a nursing home, you know exactly what it's like to eat breakfast at 6AM in Las Vegas.
28 - Because Denny's is a vegetable friendly establishment, they refuse to smother their fries.
29 - The sky is always bleu in Paris.
30 - Winning on the slot machines can give you hiccups.
31 - Seigfried and Roy really are just best friends.
32 - A simple twist of the faucet can provide two days of wet t-shirts.
33 - Cactus Cooler is not good.
34 - Prosthetic lower legs are not entirely reliable.
35 - Starburst candy hearts are addictive.
36 - Hot pink is making a comeback.
37 - Not everyone wears wool socks from September through June.
38 - Don't rely on what your fourth grade social studies text said; Death Valley can make you tremble in awe.
39 - Friendship is the golden thread that ties hearts together.
40 - People who don't live in Philipsburg, Montana probably don't understand why dart league is a big deal.
41 - It takes True Grit to be a youth minister.
42 - If every joker is to be believed, I will always have a place to hang my hat.
43 - Mashed potatoes do not clatter.
44 - Security guards are better versed in history than you think.
45 - You don't need to kiss every woman within reach when you're gambling, but you can.
46 - Shawna can't reach the 1-2-4-5 corner.
47 - Leave your Winnie the Pooh jacket at home.
48 - Staying awake is pretty easy once you get through the first 30 hours.
49 - Bet against the guy who has lost 900 dollars since you sat down.
50 - If you hang out with the right people, you'll be sore from laughing when you leave.

Settin it up,
Eq

Paul "The Earthquake" Richter
"To be a good friend, a jolly man, a good boozer, to me,
that spells honor and glory." - François Rabelais